Ron Hamilton

February 9, 2009

patchWhether it’s tapes from Patch the Pirate or the yearly Christmas cantata where someone dies, Ron Hamilton and his company, Majesty Music, have an honored place in fundamentalism.

After losing his eye, Ron Hamilton girded up his fundamentalist loins, donned an eye patch, and and took on the persona of “Patch the Pirate”, a hero who sailed the seas with his crew of kids and assorted talking animals, learning good moral lessons, and singing catchy tunes.

Strangely, although some of his tunes are pulled almost straight out of secular songs, Ron’s music is still quite popular in fundamentalist circles. He’s even called to teach at the Hyles Anderson Pastor’s School. It doesn’t get much more fundy than that.

But no matter what else he has done or will do, Ron Hamilton will always bear the distinction of being the man who wrote the song I Want To Marry Daddy When I Grow Up, the creepiest fundamentalist children’s song ever penned. And that’s quite something.


BackMasking

January 30, 2009

turntableIf you’ve ever heard an entire point of a sermon based on playing six seconds of a rock and roll records backwards, you have probably been a fundamentalist. Fundies are convinced that demonic messages are being secretly coded into…just about everything.

In the 1980’s various fundamentalists became convinced that subliminal messages were being hidden in rock music songs via “backmasking.” This inevitably led to a rush on pastors and youth leaders buying up record players that could play backwards, for use as sermon illustrations.

Of course, other than a few publicity stunts nobody has actually ever proved that there is backmasking in songs, nor that recording messages backwards into music has any effect on the listeners. Fundamentalists, however, are so convinced of the truth that they don’t allow themselves to be confused by the facts.

They also bear the dubious distinction of being the only people who have ever spent more time listening to rock music in played in reverse than played forward.


Blaming Africa for Rock Music

January 24, 2009

rock-n-rollAll music has rhythm and most cultural music around the world has a lot of syncopation. You’ll find the sin of syncopation is just about every kind of music including Middle Eastern music, Slavic music, Indian music, Chinese Music, Celtic Music, and Native American Music. However, fundamentalists have determined beyond a shadow of a doubt that rock music has come from evil witchcraft ceremonies in Africa.

How did they come to this conclusion? It’s not quite clear. Surely they didn’t just play on a preexisting racial prejudice and pick the homeland of the group of people who were least liked in society at the time to blame rock music on. One would not even dare to suggest it’s possible. On the other hand, if you ask fundies about what makes music evil it’s unlikely that you’ll be informed about the syncopation of Jewish music and how it makes the dance. Nope, the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Africa and for fundamentalists that’s where it will stay.

Just once I’d like to hear a sermon on those ‘dangerous Celtic beats’ that drive men into the depths of degradation. Ethnomusicology be hanged. Let’s blame the Africans.


Burning Worldly Stuff

January 2, 2009

bonfireEver since the days when rock and roll music first made it onto vinyl records, certain fundamentalists have been holding record burning services for their teens. This tends to work out well for for the record companies since the teens who are burning their records (or eight-tracks or tapes or CDs)  will be back at the store buying new copies in not too long.

Of course, it’s not just music that meets a fiery end at these meetings. Everything from mini-skirts to Cabbage Patch dolls are a potential target for immolation. Only the heat of a church bonfire can serve to scour the earth of evil as great as this. Not to mention that it’s fun to get a bunch of teens together and play with matches.

As time has passed, technology has made it harder to get in a good old-fashioned music burning. Getting a group of teens together to delete music off their iPods just lacks some of the visual effect.

On the upside, there’s a decline in youth groups that get carried away and think that burning their drugs in a public bonfire is a good idea as well…


Prophecy Conferences

December 20, 2008

the-endIs your church sluggish and listless? Having trouble packing folks into the pews? Need something to really fire up the congregation? A prophecy conference is just the thing to bring folks in to your church and set them ablaze! The end of the world is here again.

Yes, sir, nothing will stir the fires of people’s heart like hearing about the tribulations, the anti-Christ, and the Great Whore of Babylon. Folks will flock in to hear latest ways in which the book of Revelation applies to the headlines. After all, there’s big trouble in the Middle East right now…and that’s never happened before.

And just look at how technology is fulfilling the prophecies. Forget all that stuff about 666 being hidden in social security numbers, bar codes, and debit cards. Make sure that your church knows that the mark of the beast is those new computer chips they implant to track animals. This kind of instruction is time well spent. Spending a whole night expounding theories the mark of the Beast is just the kind of edification that the body Christ needs.

Revelation is just the ticket to get those pews packed. After all, you’ll notice that there was never a series of gripping fiction books or movies based on Romans or Galatians. It’s the end of the world as we know it…


Odd Hymns

November 27, 2008

sankeyhymns1According to unnoficial fundamentalist dogma, the height of perfection in hymn writing was reached somewhere around 1947 and any music written after that point is automatically suspect. Fundies view CCM artists as tools of Satan to tempt young people to turn the fellowship hall into a dance hall. CCM artists view fundamentalists as the musical equivilant of Elmer Fudd.

As the official collection of approved hymns has been canonized, however, there have crept in some strange¬† selections that can only be described as “absolutely awful.” These would include songs about honey coming out of rocks, boys wandering around, little brown churches in the valley, and holding a fort.

It can only assumed that these hymns were included because they were written by the General Editor’s brother-in-law or perhaps someone to whom he owed great sums of money.