Gospel Gimmicks: The Gospel Hankie Card

February 10, 2009

pw0103What do you get for the sinner in your office that has everything?? A Gospel Hankie Card may be just the thing. Or buy one for yourself to proudly proclaim “Hey, I’m not just a guy in a suit! I’m a colorblind guy in a suit!”

According to their website:

When you find it difficult to find that right gift for that special someone, give the Gospel Hankie Card, you will not only be giving a gift; you will be giving a witness at the same time.

That is why we here at Pocket Witness say… “Don’t just give a gift, give a witness”

And while you’re shopping for these be sure to also check out the the Wordless Book suspenders, the Jack Chick Belt Buckles, and the +4 Boots of Altar Calls.

(Ok, I made those last ones up. I blame it on the disorienting effect of staring at the gospel tie for too long.)

Whatever this is…

January 13, 2009

I’m sure there are fundies out there who will pay money for this:


You could change someone’s life… at a traffic light!”

Door-to-Door Visitation

January 11, 2009

doortodoorNot wanting to be outdone by the Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses, fundamentalists have long been fans of door-to-door outreach programs. Thursday evenings or Saturday mornings will find any number of fundamentalists about town giving a gospel soft-sell pitch.

“Hi, my name is Rufus! We’re here from Lighthouse Completely and Totally Separated Baptist Temple and we were just wondering if you go to church anywhere.”

These are not randomly chosen words. The training for door-to-door outreach is very specific about the words used to draw the net around a potential convert. The spiel is tried and proven; the clothes are picked with care; even the number of times to knock on the door is carefully planned. If it’s good enough for encyclopedia salesmen, it’s good enough for the fundies.

It doesn’t matter whether or not door-to-door is culturally acceptable any more or even if anybody bothers to listen — just get out there every week and knock on those doors. 13 million Mormons can’t be wrong.

Bus Ministries

December 26, 2008


Bus ministries are an outreach method that involves people who live next to the Mount Zion Fundamentalist Baptist church being ferried across town to go to the Fundamentalist Baptist Church of Mount Zion. It all comes out even, though. The FBCMZ is most likely picking up kids from the MZFB neighborhood as well.

The job of a bus captain and his cohorts is not an easy one. There are countless hours of canvasing neighborhoods to root out likely riders. Then the bus crew are up and out at the crack of dawn stopping at houses and collecting all of the kids and trying to keep them safe, quiet, and occupied on the trip.  After church is over, all of the bus kids must be returned home again. Week after week. Month after month. And woe be unto him who turns back from the plough — it’s almost impossible to leave a ministry once you’ve started in it.

With all the rigors of the bus ministry at least there aren’t further annoyances for the workers like needing to go through background checks…


December 14, 2008


Year End Salvation Report for the First Separated Blood, Book, And Blessed Hope Fundamental Baptist Church

  • Number saved in revivals: 20
  • Number saved in door-to-door: 43
  • Number saved the day we gave out all those hot dogs and had the clowns: 400
  • Number saved again just to make sure: 5

Total Saved: 468.

  • Number Baptized: 13
  • Number Joined the Church: 3
  • Number attending regularly: 2*

*Since Sister Alice is pregnant we count her twice

Chick Tracts

December 7, 2008


Jack Chick is a mysterious, reclusive artist who has dominated the “scare you silly” genre of gospel tracts. These tracts have been popular because, theoretically, people tend to read them for the illustrated stories and then end up saved as a result.

In reality, the main purpose of these tracts is to keep fundy children lying awake at night on the lookout for demons that might be sneaking into their room to make make them gay or (worse yet) tempt them to play Dungeons & Dragons games.

There are many life lessons to be learned from Chick Tracts. Hurricane Katrina was caused by America not supporting Israel. Stories about the Tooth Fairy and Santa Clause make kids not believe in Jesus. Halloween candy contains deadly razor blades and poison placed by witches to want to make kids into human sacrifices.

How could the scores of check-out clerks, gas station attendants, and waitresses who receive these little gems possibly avoid being saved after reading such tales?

Black and White Scripture Verse Signs

November 29, 2008

bwsignFundamentalists may not engrave the Scripture on the mantels of their doorposts but they do like to post it up just about everywhere else.

Nothing says “Howdy, neighbor!” like a big sign posted on the lawn bearing the message “BUT ALL THE WICKED WILL HE DESTROY” Or, if that isn’t forceful enough perhaps one with the words “THE WICKED SHALL BE TURNED INTO HELL” will get the point across.

In case you want to take your message on the go, these signs are also available as bumper stickers. Nothing will make someone think twice like a mini-van bearing the ominous message “PREPARE TO MEET THY GOD.”

Another option for those who just don’t have time to stop and chat is the ever-popular sandwich board Scripture verses which are a great witness while a fundamentalist is out protesting, street preaching, or just walking around the neighborhood.

Let your light so shine!

Tape Ministries

November 26, 2008

tapeYou can keep your liberal CD’s full of CCM music and liberal preaching far away from fundamentalists. Yes, sir, fundy churches are still in the business of churning out cassette tapes in the ubiquitous “tape ministry” that graces the back table of many an Independent Baptist sanctuary.

As the preacher breathed the last “amen” (pronounced “ay-men” or sometimes “hay-men” but never “ah-men”) the tape ministry crew spring into action, preserving the service on cassettes so that all may enjoy the sounds of of the speaker’s breathing and stomach rumbling.

These tapes are often also sent to foreign missionaries as a ministry of encouragement, for nothing warms the cockles of a missionary’s heart like yet another sermon on sin and the many reason why the speaker is against it. This is assured to be more refreshing to a missionary than a raise in support and a month of vacation.

Salt and light on magnetic tape. Isn’t technology amazing?