Unimaginative Sports Team Names

November 30, 2008

eaglesSomewhere back in the beginning of fundamentalism (about two-thousand years ago, to hear them tell it) there was evidently a law made that if a fundamentalist church runs a Christians school, and if that school has a sports team it must bear the name Eagles, Crusaders, Knights, Warriors, or Conquerors.

Female teams will bear the name of their male counterparts with the word “Lady” affixed to the front to indicate the femininity of the players.

And these team shall bear one of the following colors: red-and-white, green-and-white, blue-and-white, or red-and-black. So shall it be without end, yea verily. So let it be written, so let it be done.


Juno

November 25, 2008

In 1996, Juno Online Services launched an e-mail client that took the fundamentalist world by storm. The reasons for this were twofold

1. It was free.

2. You could send e-mail without having to connect to the evil Internet. (which is a known cesspool of pornography and Calvinism)

And (in typical fundamentalist fashion) once Juno was accepted as the e-mail client of choice, there was nothing for it but to keep using it for the next 12 years. This is known as “sticking by the stuff.”

There is an advantage to having so man fundies remain loyal to the Juno brand, however. Now, whenever someone gets an e-mail with the subject line 10 Steps to Revival in your Church Now! or Democrats want to force all children to be gay! from baptistpastorjeremiahhalstead1611AV@juno.com* it’s easy to figure out what kind of person its coming from.

*this address for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to any person living or dead is coincidental and not intended