The Mute Button

Ninety-nine percent of homes in America contain at least one television and most fundamentalists own a TV just like everyone else. The television watching experience in a fundy household is unique, however. For father (or sometimes mother) holds the remote in an iron fist and the mute button is his weapon of choice against the combined forces of bad language and worldly music.

Rock music is not to be tolerated in the fundamentalist home and the opening theme to the A-Team is no exception. With a flick of the thumb this temptation of the flesh is banished. Songs that are too peppy meet the same fate. No fundamentalist child ever makes it all the way through any Disney movie since Robin Hood without at least one song being either muted or fast-forwarded.

Likewise, bad language must be dealth with in the harshest of terms, lest children be tempted to say words such as “golly” and “dagnabit.’ Some fundamentalist go so far as to construct a “bleep book” complete with timestamps of the exact moments to mute and unmute the dialog. Purity must be maintained not matter what the cost to the plot.

One may be tempted to ask why fundametalists bother to watch shows at all if they find so much in them worthy of censoring.  But you’ll have to ask it later, we’re almost back from commercial break and the TV is about to regain its voice.

Rook

If you happen to be on a fundamentalist college campus and see four  guys hunched over a table with cards in their hands, more than likely you are in the presence of one of the the never-ending Rook games that frequent those hallowed halls.

In 1906, Parker Brothers shrewdly created Rook in answer to the Christian objections to games played with standard playing cards.  Fundamentalist college students are forever in their debt. Indeed, many fundamentalists study the game of rook in all it’s variations with the same dedication that others study poker. Being a Rook shark is a high place of honor indeed.

So pull up a chair and prepare to bid or set. Call trump well, void as many colors as you can and hope you’re dealt the Rook. And give thanks that you too can enjoy the pleasures of a card game without risking your soul to the evils of playing cards.

Parker Brothers thanks you.

Roller Skating Outings

If you ever go on a fundamentalist youth group outing, chances are you’ll end up at the local roller rink. With so few non-worldly options to choose from for group entertainment, roller skating is a favorite activity in fundy circles.

Being fundamentalists, of course, they way they roller skate is little different from the rest of the population — if there even is anybody in the general population who still roller skates.

Since skirts are much more modest than pants when a girl is falling down in front of everyone, they are required. Alternatively a pair of stylish culottes may be worn. The music selections will also be unique, consisting of the most popular dance music from three-hundred years ago and (if it gets really wild and crazy) Southern Gospel quartets.

So strap on your roller skates and prepare to be thrilled by awkward flirting from the other fundamentalist teens. And be oh, so thankful that your church has rented out the entire roller rink and nobody else is there to witness you in a pair of culottes.

Wide-Range Date Setting

No man knows the day or hour when Christ will return but that doesn’t stop some fundamentalists from making predictions about the century or the decade. After all, saying Christ will mostly likely come back in “this generation” isn’t strictly date setting now is it?

Never before have we seen such wickedness and persecution as is on the earth today! Except during the early church perhaps with all the being thrown to the lions and whatnot. And the Dark Ages had a lot of evil men and seducers and Catholics running around deceiving and being deceived. And there were some times during the  1920’s that were pretty decadent not to mention all the wars and rumors of wars during the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s, 70’s,  80’s, and 90’s…

But it’s fairly sure. It’s almost positive, in fact. If  one had to bet, they’d say Christ will return in our lifetimes. Unless of course He doesn’t come for the next 10,000 years…but that’s not at all likely.

But we fundamentalists DON’T SET DATES like all those cults do!! But look at the signs of the time! The whirlwind is in the thorn tree! Just don’t make any serious plans for retirement, if you know what I mean…

Dutch Blitz

Although Baptist fundamentalists wouldn’t ever dream of touching regular playing cards, they do still love card games; and one of the perennial favorites is Dutch Blitz. After all, anybody can see the game is wholesome just by looking at it. There are primary colors and pictures of modestly dressed Amish children.  Instead of evil hearts and clubs,  benign-looking farm implements grace the backs of the cards.

Without even the remote chance of the appearance of evil, this card game has been used at youth outings, christian college campuses, and church picnics almost since it was invented in the 1950’s. As the saying goes, “if it’s from the 50’s it’s just plain better.”

Blitz!