February 11, 2009

As the number of visitors to this site continues to grow, I’ve decided to relocate it to it’s own domain name.

All future posts will be made at

Please move your bookmarks and RSS feeds accordingly…

“Shock Jock” Preaching

February 11, 2009

In a fundamentalist church near you…
**Warning. Gratuitous King James Language Usage**

Writing Memoirs After Leaving Fundamentalism

February 11, 2009

large_bookIf you have never had the pleasure of reading The Texas Baptist Crucible: Tales from the Temple
by James T. Spurgeon, you must immediately quit your job, ignore your children, and sell your livestock to spend every waking moment reading it until you are done.

There simply aren’t words to describe these stories, so it’s best if you read them for yourself.

Gospel Gimmicks: The Gospel Hankie Card

February 10, 2009

pw0103What do you get for the sinner in your office that has everything?? A Gospel Hankie Card may be just the thing. Or buy one for yourself to proudly proclaim “Hey, I’m not just a guy in a suit! I’m a colorblind guy in a suit!”

According to their website:

When you find it difficult to find that right gift for that special someone, give the Gospel Hankie Card, you will not only be giving a gift; you will be giving a witness at the same time.

That is why we here at Pocket Witness say… “Don’t just give a gift, give a witness”

And while you’re shopping for these be sure to also check out the the Wordless Book suspenders, the Jack Chick Belt Buckles, and the +4 Boots of Altar Calls.

(Ok, I made those last ones up. I blame it on the disorienting effect of staring at the gospel tie for too long.)

Ron Hamilton

February 9, 2009

patchWhether it’s tapes from Patch the Pirate or the yearly Christmas cantata where someone dies, Ron Hamilton and his company, Majesty Music, have an honored place in fundamentalism.

After losing his eye, Ron Hamilton girded up his fundamentalist loins, donned an eye patch, and and took on the persona of “Patch the Pirate”, a hero who sailed the seas with his crew of kids and assorted talking animals, learning good moral lessons, and singing catchy tunes.

Strangely, although some of his tunes are pulled almost straight out of secular songs, Ron’s music is still quite popular in fundamentalist circles. He’s even called to teach at the Hyles Anderson Pastor’s School. It doesn’t get much more fundy than that.

But no matter what else he has done or will do, Ron Hamilton will always bear the distinction of being the man who wrote the song I Want To Marry Daddy When I Grow Up, the creepiest fundamentalist children’s song ever penned. And that’s quite something.

Preachers Who Build “Rapport” With the Audience

February 8, 2009

The Sound of Music

February 8, 2009

soundofmusicIt is a truth universally acknowledged that if a fundamentalist home contains a VCR it must also contain a tape of the Sound of Music. The importance of having this movie on display next to the TV may not be readily apparent to the uninitiated but to fundamentalists it’s every bit as important as keeping Grace Livingston Hill books on the living room bookshelf. Here is why…

Most important is the atmosphere that its presence creates. This is vital. For despite the movie containing Catholic nuns, guitar playing, and dancing, for some reason it is universally accepted as a ‘wholesome’ film in fundamentalist circles. Having it lying next to the TV says to any fundy visitor “We watch good movies in this house. Look, the Sound of Music is our FAVORITE!”

There may also come a time when a church member or visiting evangelist or missionary may be at your house for several hours and a the suggestion of watching a film may be proffered to pass the time. Having The Sound of Music easily accessible saves the danger of opening up the movie cabinet and laying it bare for fundamentalist scrutiny. If the tape is properly positioned, it can be unsheathed and playing in 5.8 seconds flat. On the other side of the equation, one of the joys of being a missionary is the opportunity to watch this classic musical every few weeks and learn every word by heart.

“The hills are alive….”